It was a grotesquely humid 82 degrees out, but the day itself was lovely nonetheless (especially considering the thunderstorm that was forecast earlier in the week).
Overall, I remember less of the actual day than I thought I would. I had attended the commencement ceremony last year and somehow, the memory of standing near the flagpole on the green watching my friends graduate is more salient in my mind than sitting in the front row for my own graduation. This fact simply reinforces a strange pattern I have come to recognise in my life: Milestones hold a lot of weight and have a tremendous lead-up, but tend to pass rapidly and without warning. There is no pause before a momentous occasion occurs. Instead, I find myself in the middle of an event before I think to myself "Oh my God, it's happening!" And then the event ends and I realise I spent the entire time yelling at myself to pay attention rather than actually experiencing it.
I mean I gave the student commencement speech for crying out loud! And even that was over before it began.
I have spent the past 24-hours being mad that I didn't pay better attention/ that I didn't take enough photos/ that I felt hurried the whole day/ that I don't feel different now that it's over/ and so on whine whine whine.
I tend to think of life as isolated events, but everything thus far has proven to exist as more of a continuous conveyor belt of moments that gain significance later. My four years at college just kept coming towards me. I worked like a dog with the end-game of getting out of there. Now that it's over, I miss it (just as everyone said I would). Then again, I wouldn't do anything/couldn't do anything differently if I had the chance to do it all again.
Earlier in the week, my friends and I went to our local run-down bar for a final Team Tuesday. As we toasted to graduation, a friendly stranger named Whitey overheard us. He bought us all shots as a gesture of condolence that the four best years of our lives were behind us now. Whitey clearly felt that his years at college were his golden years, the zenith of his existence. In that moment, I feared that I had squandered my time at WAC, and began to mourn my wasted years. Barroom cliche much? As I write this now I am confident that my best years lay ahead, whats more, I have an obligation to myself to seek and achieve great years in my future. College was great. Seriously. I had some miserable set-backs, but some unforgettable experiences, too. And I emerged knowing myself. I made my mark and left on a high note. (Click speech above for more eloquent ramblings regarding my college experience).
Nevertheless, I am still frustrated at how dismally anti-climactic the day of graduation was. Anyone else? Sometimes I forget it happened. I feel strangely disowned, but also like I could go back tomorrow. I spent my four years racing towards that day. Imagining it. Fantasising about it. Then whooshclank. To be fair we had spent most of the week celebrating and having ceremonies. It felt a lot like saying goodbye to someone then realising you both are walking in the same direction X1,000. By the time graduation happened we were all a little saturated with farewells and parting words of wisdom. Even so...
Perhaps it isn't the graduation we are meant to remember. Perhaps the purpose of graduation is to provide some sort of definitive punctuation to an experience, provide a landmark of recognition on the conveyor belt. Overall, it's an indulgent ceremony with a lot of literal pomp and circumstance, but it's also a celebration. It's a mandatory halting of all other obligations. A chance to stop and look around. I think that's what I'll chalk it up to. I am grateful for even one moment of that day when I was afforded the opportunity to look back on my hard work, take pictures with friends and family, and say "I've done it!" It still doesn't feel like it happened, though. I've submitted all my assignments, received my diploma, sent my thank you cards, said goodbye, and emptied my room. It still doesn't feel like I finished.
Maybe nothing truly ever ends. (See conveyor belt analogy.) We continuely begin new stages in our lives. Everything keeps us moving forward. The "end" of a stage can feel a bit blasé, but each new beginning feels special.
There is a reason Washington College (and many other universities, colleges, institutions of higher learning) call their graduation "Commencement" - it is a new beginning, not an end.
I am an alumna! Ask me how I feel about it tomorrow haha
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